Lord Voldemort's Interview
by alambil felicis
Summary: Voldy's on an interview...LOLE! laugh out loud "evilly". & he gets fanmails with wierd names ex. baldens toopede ...get it? I deleted the original copy coz it had too many mistakes...read it and laugh...PLEASE! he's very ooc...who cares anyway?


_**A/N:** It's what the name implies...have fun reading. ; )  
Anyway...thanks to_ **life takes time**_ because she helped me when I was a first timer on ....She was the first to read my first Twilight fanfic entitled "_**I'm her Babysitter, Cahuffer and Protector**_". Thanks again!!!_

_The interview you will see below is an interview of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named by a reporter who wishes to stay anonymous for a wizarding magazine called_ **Evil is Everything** _which is specially produced to keep wrongdoers and evil people updated about wrongdoing and evilness._

[Any words/phrases/sentences you see in such a format and enclosed in this brases describes the situation at the moment]

The interview was held some time after Dumbledore's death and took place in a top secret place at 9:00 pm....

Legend: R=Mr. Reporter  
YKW=You Know Who

**R:** Er - Good...good evening He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. [reporter trembles with fear]

**YKW:** Mwahahaha...I wouldn't say good evening. More like _evil evening _to you. And please stop trembling. I have no intention of killing you. All I need is publicity. And call me with my name.

**R: **Y-yes Mr. Tom Riddle.

**YKW: **What didi you call me?! [suddenly furious]

**R: **Erm - Tom Riddle...would you like Tommy instead?

**YKW: **HOW DARE YOU CALL ME SUCH A FILTHY NAME!!! CALL ME LORD VOLDEMORT!!!!

**R:** S-sorry your most highness..Dark Lord...Lord Voldemort...I apologize. PLease don't murder me! [trembling and on the verge of tears]

**YKW: **Oh, sorry for scaring you like that. I really get bad tempers, you know. So, let's start this interview, shall we?

**R:** Yes, your darkest highness.

YKW: Go on. What's your first question?

**R:** Right...So, Dumbledore is dead. How does that make you feel?

**YKW:** Well, certainly ecstatic of course! He deserves it!

**R:** What did you do when you received the news that he was dead?

**YKW:** I was at the Malfoy's grand manor, then, Snape and the other Death Eaters arrived with that Malfoy kid and told me the wonderful news! Snape killed him! So, we celebrated. What a success! We had Firewhisky for our drinks. My treat of course. And I was going to give Draco some, but Narcissa wouldn't let him. So I gave him Butterbeer instead. But Narcissa didn't know...it was actually Firewhisky in a bottle of Butterbeer! Draco liked it very much and didn't tell his mother. Really, he's already evil in a young age!

Besides that, my Death Eaters kidnapped some Muggles and Mudbloods and you know the rest. We had fun cursing them. Crucio over here and there. Blast! We even Imperiused some of them to Muggle brawl each other. Highly entertaining!

**R:** Did you kill any of them?

**YKW:** No, we were to happy to kill for a while. Actually, I think it had nothing to do with happiness. It was the Firewhisky. Yeah, we were all too tipsy.

**R:** What will happen to Hogwarts now the Headmaster's chair is vacant?

**YKW:** Snape got rewarded of course! I gave him a potion I concocted myself. It's a shampoo-potion. I, myself, am using it.

**R:** Using a shampoo, you? But you're bald. You have no hai--

**YKW:** What! Are you questioning my lack of mass of fine flexible protein strands that grow from the follicles of my shiny head?

**R:** Er-no! No! Dark Lord! I was -- well, can I - can I have some of those potions you use as a shampoo? Just to please you!

**YKW:** I appreciate your efforts to appease me. But, sorry, my shampoo-potion is exclusive for Death Eaters only.

**R:** Oh, well, um, what other rewards did Snape got?

**YKW:** He'll be Headmaster now. And the two Carrows will be teaching there too. And there'll be some changes with the lessons. Defence against the Dark Arts will be Dark Arts only. Mwahahaha! My idea of course! LOLE!

**R:** Er - LOLE? What's LOLE?

**YKW:** Mwahaha! Laughing Out Loud Evilly! Mwahaha!!!!

**R:** Oh, LOLE indeed! Right back at you! [greatly confused]

Erm...besides scheming plans to get rid of Harry Potter and taking over the whole Wizarding World, what are you currently busy with?

**YKW:** Oh, I'm glad you asked that. Well, since I was too preoccupied catching that Harry Potter, how I despise him, I lost quality time with my snakey-poo, Nagini. She's been sad. Terribly sad. So, with Dumbledore gone, I already have time with Nagini.

I am presently enjoying a book on how to spend more time and cherish each moment with my snakey-poo. The book is called _"How to Spend More Time and Cherish each Moment with Your Snakey-poo"_ by the most genius Keelyuwid Maivenuhm.

**R:** Keelyuwid Maivenuhm?

**YKW:** Yes, he's not British. I think he's Indian. But he never tells anyone. Anyway, Nagini is really happy now. We play board games like Wizard Chess. I loose every time. And a Muggle game called Snake and Ladders too! She loves it when she gets the snakes but she doesn't know that in order to win you have to get on the ladders. And another Muggle game called Scrabbles. The longest word she created was _shesath _meaning toilet.

**R:** Toilet?

**YKW:** Yes, because you see...she's potty-trained now. Wonderful, eh?

**R:** Yes, very much. ER-- doing something else?

**YKW:** Oh yeah! We're learning a new language. Parseltongue is getting a bit boring. Do you wanna hear our new language?

**R:** Oh, no sir, that's fine. Let's just continue with the interview and --

[Nagini slithers on You-Know-Who's shoulder]

**YKW:** Nagini, sere'sway soingsgay sonsay sansay sinterviewsay!

**R:** Er-- what language was that?

**YKW:** Snake Latin! You've heard of Pig Latin...but Snake Latin is amazing!!! Keelyuwid Maivenuhm said so! That guy is really a genius!

**R:** Oh, I bet your Basilisk would have wanted to spend time with you too.

**YKW:** Terrible fate he has suffered. And I blame that blasted Harry Potter! Imagine, he killed my Basilisk _and _destroyed my Horcrux! That diary was supposed to stay hidden! I think I'll blame Lucius Malfoy for that.

When I heard that Lucius gave my old Horcrux-diary to that Weasley girl, I went berserk! Well, at first, because I thought he gave the diary that contained my deepest feelings, you know my real diary. Oh, it contained embarrassing stuff like that time when I wet my pants accidentally out of great excitement because I just found out that I was able to speak to snakes!

**R:** Wet your pants?

**YKW:** Oh! I-I...let's just forget about what I said okay? Next question please.

**R:** Yes...erm -- what do you miss the most about your Basilisk.

**YKW:** My poor Basilisk, may he rest in wrath. He was a very dear friend whilst I was on Hogwarts. He had a very good job killing that Mudblood! How I miss the times I was down on the Chamber of Secrets and playing "Fetch the Mudblood" with him. But, unfortunately, it wasn't a real Mudblood. It was just a dummy.

**R:** Oh, uh...shall we get a move on with something else?

**YKW:** Like what?

**R:** Well, we've been recieving some wizard mails from your evil fans and they all contain questions about you.

**YKW:** Oh goodie!!! Go on, continue!

**R:** Okay, so, first mail. [taking out a piece of parchment] This one is from Ayam Ivelltu and she says: "Dear Mr. Dark Lord, I am a Pureblood and very evil. I love you and your Death Eaters. Can I be a Death Eater too?"

**YKW:** That Ayam woman is making me laugh! LOLE again! [turned suddenly serious] NO, she can't. End of story.

**R:** Next mail from...Deraguns Arckle and he wrote: "You-Know-Who, I admire you so much! Will you come and visit my neighbor, Carson Phyre. He's such a git and I would like it if you _Avada Kedavra_ him, that would be so cool! I considered doing it myself, but I adore you, so you do it, please! Anyway, which pet do you prefer: Basilisk or Nagini?"

**YKW:** Well, personally, they're not pets. They're my...weapons or - or maybe my friends. At first I considered them like my stuff toys. But they don't like joining me in my tea parties.

That's a tough question. There are certain advantages and disadvantages on both sides. My Basilisk, oh, he has those drop-dead yellow eyes. Literally, you drop dead when you see them. And he drives away spiders. I don't like their many legs, you see. It's one of the many reasons why I set free my Basilisk in Hogwarts. When I heard that my half giant schoolmate, his name's Hagrid, has a giant spider locked up somewhere, I didn't like it. So, I summoned my Basilisk and started causing havoc. But a disadvantage would be...oh! He's very sensitive to the rooster's cock-a-doodle-doos. Urgh! He doesn't like it much. And he's too big. He's not very portable.

Nagini, well, she's portable! And I can milk her! Very convenient for long journeys. Disadvantage, well, she used to only eat blond Mudbloods. She's very picky with her food, tut tut. Hmmm...now, no, she eats anything. Even the carpet, that's why she chokes a lot. She even ate a stray cat. She coughed up fur balls for a whole week! It was a mess, believe me.

So, I'll take Nagini because she's alive and Basilisk is dead. It's that simple.

**R:** Oh...[Mr. Reporter eyeing the snake fearfully]

**YKW:** Don't be afraid! She won't eat you. I already made her promise.

**R:** Right...well, another mail. This one is from -- er -- it's a codename...URockyVoldy14344.

**YKW:** Nice codename!

**R:** Yes, and she says: "Did you ever have a girlfriend? Like ever? And there's a rumor going that Bellatrix Lestrange fancies you. What can you say?"

**YKW:** Urgh! Bellatrix Lestrange is obsessed with me. But I can't blame her, I'm terrifyingly good-looking. I didn't have a girlfriend and I will never have one. I'm much too in love with myself and my powers to get involved with a romantic relationship with a witch -- or a wizard for that matter! I'm not gay (well, Dumbledore is). I once saw Bellatrix snogging a photo of me. My photograph kept hiding behind the frame, I think he's traumatized. Bellatrix is just a henchwitch for me, that's all there is.

**R:** Next mail came from Baldens Toopede. He wrote: "Oh great You-Know-Who, which would you prefer: being an Animagus or Metamorphagus?"

**YKW:** That's another tough question. Hmmm...I want to be an Animagus because then I can turn into a snake, my favorite animal. And then I can go killing people with my venom. Yeah!

But, I also want to be a Metamorhpmagus. Well, because I sometimes wish my hair and nose. And with one _woosh! _I can have them back! And I can also have different hairstyles and noses! Like that Tonks woman from Dumbledore's Order of the Phoenix! Mind you, that's an ugly name for an organization. It would've been better if it was the Order of Giant Snakes.

Anyway, I'm a powerful wizard! I can be whatever I want to be! So who cares!!!

**R:** Well, that was an interesting little chat. Erm...I'm afraid the interview is at its end.

**YKW:** Oh, really... I was having a good time...[looking disappointed]

**R:** Do you want to give a shout out to anyone...or a message?

**YKW:** Oh yes! First, to my Death Eaters, my wizards and witches in command, you all rock! Well, except for those who are caught and sent to Azkaban. And to Harry Potter...you are my Undesirable no. 1. I've always called you like that in my diary, not the Horcrux-diary, my real diary. And if you happened to read this interview, I just want to say...I hate you and you'll never defeat me! I also call you an attention-seeking git.

[turning to the reporter]

That's all, Mr. Reporter. Thank You for interviewing me for your magazine. **Evil Is Everything** is my favorite magazine!

**R:** Thank you Dark Lord V-Vol-Vo-....I don't want to say your name.

**YKW:** Yeah, I understand, I know I intimidate you with my good looks and awesome powers.

**R:** Yes, thank you for your time.

_*****End of Interview*****_

_**A/N:** Yes, people, I know he's _OOC _(out of character)._ A LOT. _But I find it funny....for goodness sake, it's a fanfiction alright? C'mon, you think it's funny right? Tell me what you think. Please review or comment. Thank You! LOLE!!!_

_ You have to get the meaning of the names like _Keelyuwid Maivenuhm, Carson Phyre, Ayam Ivelltu _and_ Deraguns Arckle. _They're very obvious. If you don't, you can ask me. The Snake Latin, try to work it out. Sorry if there's any wrong grammar or bad spellings...I typed it in super speed. i was in a hurry. I hope you like it. _

;)


End file.
